Not in Kansas anymore

I haven't had time to update my blog recently which is a shame because its been a bumpy ride!

The temple has been super busy with a national conference that we really should not have hosted with such a small number of staff. I was working from 7am setting up the dinning hall for breakfast spending the day in the cafe and only managing to creep away undetected at 10.30pm.

I was so busy being tired I didn't have time to realise that I was about to leave. In fact I ended up telling them that I was leaving less than a week before I planned to go after trying for several days (perhaps half heartedly) to get a chance to speak to someone in private.

The response was surprising. I thought they'd be angry or hurt (they may be Buddhist nuns but they are also human!) However, they were mainly very surprised and sad to see me go. They seemed quite genuinely sad that I was leaving and my friends were devastated. Its very hard for me too. If I hadn't been given this opportunity I would not have left and I didn't have the heart to tell them the whole truth about why I was leaving (only some very close friends) as I was ashamed. I knew that it is so rude to up and leave because I found a better alternative so I tried to keep that to myself although some of it leaked out. I honestly told them that I felt like the kind of practise I'm seeking is not the status quo in the temple and although I respected the way the Temple and order is organised and run it just doesn't suit what I need as a dharma practitioner.

I felt like it was better for them to think I was dumb than to think I was conniving. I guess it doesn't really matter what any one thinks, only the truth matters. I feel like I am trying to protect them because I care so much for them. To tell you the truth its been very painful to leave. In fact I lost it on the way out of the temple and balled all the way to the back door and then spent the next hour hiding out the back. I really respect and appreciate these people and every bone in my body wants to go back as quick as possible, but here is my problem. Should I be going back to the temple or am I just experiencing the suffering of impermanence by trying to cling to something. Ah it sucks being a Buddhist; you can't even let yourself be miserable!

So I went home yesterday. Although it’s not really my home anymore. I'm staying with friends and desperately trying to tie up some loose ends before I fly to Delhi on Wednesday. One week away. So now I'm really shitting myself. What the hell am I doing? I feel very stateless. I don't know who the hell I'm meant to be. Now that I'm back in my old world I can see that I have really, really changed and to be honest I have totally no desire left to remain in this saha world. I can see the futility of hours of tv, gadgets and useless occupations. I read in a book about the Karmapa 'we sedate ourselves with entertainment and useless pleasure but eventually we must face the truth.' (that is a rough quote). The truth is the futility of a self centred world view because everything we strive for will eventually decompose. In Shakespeare's 'The Tempest' he writes,

"the cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
the solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And like this insubstantial pageant faded.
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep."

So neither this world, my old home or even the Temple environment can be counted on. It changes every moment. Even though I've been gone for one day I've heard that there have been some big changes. So what am I clinging to?

An idea of who I am? Before I was Erin who works in an office and likes to listen to her music and drive her car. Now I am Erin who likes to wear a grey uniform and live in a Chinese Buddhist Temple. Except now I'm not living in a Chinese Buddhist temple and I left my uniform there so I have to wear normal clothes again.

I read somewhere an article where someone tries to prove their point that when we think about it every single thing we do is motivated by a desire to ensure our happiness. Everything from the friends we associate with to the kind of socks we wear. So really missing someone is motivated by our desire to make ourselves happy.

So in a round about way I miss the temple because I'm trying desperately to cling to this idea of myself as a permanent entity. The solution would be to let go of myself. Sounds easy, but how the hell am I supposed to do that? Think about my own impermanence?; consider my lack of inherent existence? Perhaps, but to tell you the truth I still really miss the temple. I kind of miss myself too because now I don't know who I am. I feel like I'm dead, like a ghost. I don't exist here, that person is gone. I'm not in the temple either that person is gone. I haven't got to India yet so that person is just a future fantasy and I'm left with a sack of skin and bones running around shopping for brown shoes. One of the really important bits from the heart sutra is 'form is emptiness,' but then it also says that 'emptiness is form.' So I have a form and substance, what am I going to do with it?

I've been told that if after a month I want to return that I may. After that time I'm not sure what the deal is. I desperately wish I had someone I could talk too who understands this from a Buddhist perspective because all my friends despite their good intentions think I'm crazy and should just go find a normal job or go to uni or something. I'll talk more about what I've found out about myself since leaving temple later, right now I'm just letting myself be pushed along with the current. I'm working towards getting to Delhi, flights, visa's all sorted but my heart is still in the temple. I keeping think 'I just want to go home.' I was only there for three months but its had this profound effect on me. I really feel like I've left the movie half way through. The story has been constructed and the characters introduced but the full story line has not been revealed and the resolution is still another 45mins away.

When I received the e-mail from the monastery in India, even before I read it I thought to myself, if they are inviting you there you must go. When I read the e-mail and the dream became possible I felt really shocked and also scared but I knew that I had to go. So even though I really feel like a stranger in a foreign land right now I am resiting the temptation to go back to the temple, at least until I get to India and can see it for myself.

I just really want to go home. I hope I've done the right thing.