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There is a well know sentence in Buddhism about 'monkey mind.' A lot of people are familiar with this. I found this quote in the Dhammapada and I don't know if the sentence originated from this text or if it is a sentence that is used a lot in different Buddhist sutras but the quote from the Dhammapada has an extra little bit I hadn't heard before and it adds a new dimension to it for me.

Ok so usually I understand the idea of monkey mind like a monkey that jumps from tree to tree, is not settled and jump around a lot. so this to me means that our minds are like the. proverbial 'angry elephant in rut' ( not just any old angry elephant but one in heat no less!) So I really associate with this I am complete unable to control my mind. The more I worry about it the more I lose control of it. Learning buddhism from such zen teachers and Thich N. Hanh I always feel like 'mind control' meditation/mindfullness is the basis of practice and the only way to really make those realizations. So it gives me the shits that I am not able to do either. In fact when I try to be mindful all I do is end up having a discussion with my self about what mindfulness is!

So here is the quote in question......

........"he jumps from death to death, like a monkey in the forest from one tree without fruit to another."

Chapter 24 verse 334

This quote adds the bit about jumping from a tree without fruit to another tree without fruit which added a whole new dimension for me. So the monkey is not jumping around uselessly for nothing, he is searching for something. Searching for food is the basic instinct and occupation of all animals. Its part of out inherent nature to search for food. This monkey is looking for sweet fruit to make him feel good and satisfy him.

He doesn't go to the tree to occupy himself or to be popular he is searching for something but every tree he runs to he doesn't find it. So when my mind is busy chatting, criticizing, comparing I feel like what I am really doing is looking for something, looking for happiness.

So suddenly I don't feel so bad about having a monkey mind. Obviously this is still something I really really need to work on if I want to make progress as a buddhist practitioner, however I don't have to feel bad about the way my mind is. All the chatter is for a purpose after all, even if it is very misguided.

I feel like now I know that my mind is looking for something, to be happy, to find the sweet fruit and thats why it jumps around everywhere all the time. Like the monkey after many lifetimes of jumping it starts going so fast it doesn't even really know why its jumping around but the basic desire to find this pleasure is still there. So what do I think about?

When someone upsets me I imagine having a conversation with them where I totally tell them off or do something to win back a bit of power. (this is not done on purpose these thoughts just come up through many lives of repetition and most of the time I am not totally aware I'm doing it!) Sometimes, if I'm bored I'll have a little fantasy playing out where I'm a really great wonderful/ important person, or I'll have a good chat to myself about something that happened when I was youngm, and how that is totally the reason I'm not any good at spelling.

So all these random things that appear in my mind are all really ways that I have concocted to make myself feel better. To try and get a bit of a taste of that sweet fruit.

I hope this helps someone. I feel like now I can really start to work with my mind because slowly I'm getting to know it a bit better. Before, I felt like it was totally out of my control and I couldn't understand how that could be because its just my mind, it is empty isn't it? Its one of the five skhandas, how can it have a life of its own? and then I though about dieting (weird hey!) why do people need to diet? (hopefully) because they are fat. (myself included.) Why am I fat? Because I eat too much. If its my body shouldn't I be able to stop myself from eating or stop myself from being fat? Yeah but I chose not to, I chose to be lazy or uncontrolled. I chose to eat that candy, its years of conditioning. So why is my mind out of control? Same idea.

This is my mind, it can be anyway I train it to be. It is not permanent, it will not be around in 100 years. there is volition or karma pushing me along but really it is up to me to put the time and effort into sorting it out.

So really the best way to do that is through meditation. The three main principles of practice in Buddhism are precepts (rules) meditation and wisdom. Wisdom is not really possible with out the other two.

Precepts I am working on. Living in this temple there are lots of rules. Lots of etiquette and I'm ok with that because this was my choice you know and I see the benefit of it all. But there is little to no meditation. Thy expect me to meditate before I go to bed. I don't think that can be good. One of the most basic rules is not to do it in your bed and especially at the end of the day with the lights out I do not feel like meditating!

This is a chinese fusion temple but there is a lot more Pure-land than Chan and I don't feel comfortable with a lot of the devotional stuff especially being a former born again christian (that is another blog altogether!)

So anyway I have had these little niggley voices in my head nearly since I got here and the main one is about the lack of meditation and doctrinal guidance. So as a bit of a side I was looking around at other things, you know and I came up with all these plans about what I would do after my year was up. I decided that I would go to Gampo abbey in Canada and do some 'real practice'. Intensive meditation and practice. I really like lo jong.

Anyway so I saw this position become available at a monastery in India and applied. I wrote them this big e-mail about how I'm practicing in a chinese temple but my heart is in Vajrayana and that I hopped that they would understand that my options in Australia are really limited and that all I want to do is immerse myself in the dharma right now ect. It was very honest and also probably a bit too long for a job application!

Anyway so they said no, they'd already filled it then a few weeks later I get an e-mail saying ok, if you want to come, come and we'll take it from there. My heart dropped out my ass!

So it is not an intensive study program. Its just an office job, no buddhist strings attached BUT and its a big but. I would be living in Dharamsala neighbor to the Karmapa (my spiritual hero) and have access to a lot of realized teachers. My likely hood of finding a Lama would be greatly increased. Thats really what I've been looking for all this time, a spiritual guide. Someone to tell me where I'm doing ok and slap me when I'm not doing ok. Eventually hopefully it will be someone who will be able to ordain me.

I haven't even taking refuge (yes folks I not officially a buddhist!) I don't want to take refuge until I've found my real path!

So what to do? Do I break my promise to these wonderful women I've been working, living and eating with for the last 3 months and run out on them? Do I say sorry, I know I've not finished my course (by the way we haven't had class for 6 weeks now).

Sadly yes. I break my promise, I leave them suddenly and look like a total asshole. It really breaks my heart but I feel like I could be letting the greatest opportunity of my life slip away. When I get to India they'll all be really bitchy and difficult to live with I feel like if the laws of karma are true then I'll have a really hard time because I'll be giving myself some serious bad karma.

I know it sounds a bit big headed to compare myself with the buddha but I imagine that when he ran out on his wife and child he created negative karma too, that need to be worked off. But he knew that it was the only way.

So yeah I feel a bit crap about what I have to do but I guess its a bit of that spiritual warrior stuff. Lets not even talk about where I'm going to get the money for this or what I'm going to tell my Mum!

Anyway so there is a bit of encouragement to work on our minds and an opportunity for me to do a cyber scream! If anyone is reading this I'll let you know how it goes!
Erin